Shidduchim; Maintaining Idealism in the Reality of a Relationship

Abstract

The shidduch process experienced by most orthodox individuals entails balancing many considerations for finding an “ideal” mate. While the Torah views of relationships and marriage are similar to results suggested in the psychological research on what makes for the most successful marriage partners, at first glance there seems to be a degree of difference in emphasis in many of the criteria. However, when examining the research more clearly, the seeming disparity between a “Torah view” and the psychological research can align. For when correcting a “perfectionistic” view of the Shidduch process which is often mistaken as “the Torah’s ideal,” the philosophical and scientific research will both be proponents of an authentic Torah perspective of striving for a realistic and healthy working marital relationship. This healthy reality will be found to be consistent with both Jewish and psychological standards. In considering OCPD as a compounding factor, we can identify what the nuanced Jewish pursuit of marriage is as opposed to an image divorced from both reality, truth, and expectation.